then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
