i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
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It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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