My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
