How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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