Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
