I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
