eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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