I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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