I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
