Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
