Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
