I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
