good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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