I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
