i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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