i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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