He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
