I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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