my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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