This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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