she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
