can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
