Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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