if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I forget how to act sober
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