Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My balls are so social today.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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