i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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