remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
