Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
People in love make me want to vomit
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
A+ Viking dick
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
