good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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