I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
