He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
