there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Alive.
So much puke
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
