i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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