Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Say something about gay babies.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
