my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
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Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
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my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS