You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight