it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
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Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.