I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Randomize
