Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
