see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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