he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
