non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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