Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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