Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
