Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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