not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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