I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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