I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
