just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
