I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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