not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
