Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
