I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
