You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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