my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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