if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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