im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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