just survived the first fart of the relationship.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
