Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
