Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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