I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
