I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
