I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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