You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
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